Answers
by Electron Beam
Summary: Riku is in love with Kairi. All he wants is for her to be happy, but he bears tremendous amounts of suffering with the knowledge that she can never love him back.


I'm in love with Kairi.

Now, before your knee-jerk reactions take over, allow me to explain myself. I know that Sora and Kairi belong together. It's just what's right. If they weren't together, it would be like the sun not coming up in the morning. Nothing would feel right.

That said, I am completely smitten. When she's around me, I feel my anger and sadness disappear as if they were no more than bad dreams. Something about her just purifies everything she comes near. When I feel the darkness closing in around me, she's there to pull me back into the light of her loving embrace. She truly is the light shining in the darkness. I would fall apart from the inside out if she weren't there.

Not only that, but Kairi finds some hidden strength when I need her. Last week I fell off the zipline near the cove and was knocked unconscious. Kairi, the petite girl who can't even wield her Keyblade effectively, somehow carried me over her shoulder all the way to the dock. Then she rowed me to shore and dragged my limp body back to her nearby house, where she put me on a couch, wrapped me in blankets, and put an icepack on my head. She was still sitting next to me when I woke up six hours later.

So you see, it would be almost callous for me to _not _be in love with her. Do you know anyone who would do these things for you? If you do, you'd better have some powerful feelings for them. In fact, you should go tell them how you feel. Right now.

Unless, of course, you've got a Sora in your way.

I know, deep inside of me, that Sora's dedication to Kairi makes me look like a casual acquaintance by comparison. For every mile I'd go, Sora would go ten more. We'd both die for her, but he'd go to hell and back to keep her from shedding one tear. He is her perfect complement. Like peanut butter and jelly. Lame simile, I know, but they just… _go _together.

When we were younger, before the Heartless had so much as glanced in the direction of the Destiny Islands, Sora and I competed every day. One day, he decided to say he was like iron when he fought. Of course, such bragging couldn't go without a one-up from me. I said I was like titanium. Granted, he didn't know what that was, but he understood my point. Now that we're older, though, I see that being iron has advantages.

I like to compare Kairi to oxygen. If you don't have oxygen, you slowly suffocate your way to a painful death. That's the truth for both Sora and me. But we're different in one very important way. If you add heat to titanium and oxygen, you end up with titanium dioxide, a compound that isn't especially strong or even very useful at all. But add heat to oxygen and iron, the product is steel – one of the strongest materials known to man. That's what their bond is. One of steel.

I simply can't compete with that. But the good news is I can live with being number two. After all, Sora's the one who gets the credit for saving the universe. Rare is the day someone mentions my contributions to the second time around. Maybe that's a good thing, though. I don't want someone digging too deep and uncovering my unfortunate role in Maleficent's plans.

However, being number two in this situation means knowing the intimate bonds between Sora and Kairi, but also knowing that I will never get anything even close to that. The absolute worst is when I casually inquire what Kairi did yesterday and that mischievous smile of hers creeps across her face. The answer I get is "Oh, nothing much…", but she may as well have given a play-by-play. It's like getting stabbed. Believe me, I've been stabbed my share of times; I know exactly what it feels like. This is a legitimate comparison.

One thing that constantly nags me is the knowledge that we care for each other so much more than the other couples we know, the exception being maybe Hayner and Olette. So I get to live with the knowledge that our relationship is so much better than those around us, yet I came in second place. I'm miles above everyone except the one who counts. It's enough to drive someone insane.

Now, at this point, you probably think I resent Sora. Nothing could be farther from the truth. He's the brother I never had, minus all the bickering. He's got my back, just like I've got his. We'd rather endure torture than betray each other. But I can't help thinking the same thing all second-place guys think: What's he got that I don't? Is he more dedicated? Is he more caring? What does he do that makes Kairi melt like ice on the beach?

Many questions, no answers. That's my life in a nutshell. Well, that's not true. I have one question that the answer to which is obvious: Is Kairi happy? And the answer is yes. Of course she's happy. That's the thing I care about more than anything else in the universe. Her happiness is worth my suffering. I suppose I can be thankful that I have the answer to the one question that matters.

Occasionally, when we stay out on our island past sunset, I see couples walking down the beach of the other shore. I sit on the paopu tree and wonder, "Will that ever be me? Is there someone out there that I can love more than Kairi?" Luckily, Sora and Kairi confuse my staring with the thousand-mile stare I used to have when I looked out to sea. I don't have it anymore. The worlds hold no great mysteries anymore. The horizon is no longer out of reach, so it loses its allure.

Sometimes I think if that's what drives me towards Kairi. Do I just want that which I can never have? I always discard this sentiment. There was once a time when Sora was not in the way. If I had worked harder, looked further, searched more, maybe I could have gotten Kairi's heart back. But that's not true. Kairi's heart was with Sora the whole time.

Then I think about what would have happened if he had been just a quarter of a second late on his parry back in Hollow Bastion. If the artificial Keyblade had struck the young Keyblade master, what would the future be like? Could I have beaten the darkness with Kairi's aid? Could we have loved each other? But then I realize that I'm fantasizing about the death of my closest friend and I stop myself. It's best to leave such possibilities unexamined.

Last year in school, we read several tragedies in English class. In every one, there was a character that valiantly and stoically suffered through unrequited love. Everyone was blind to his pain until the tragic heroes died. The only thing that keeps the stoic lover from taking his own life is the memory of the one whom he could never love. I wonder if I'm like that. Is my suffering masked well enough to fool even those closest to me? Or when people talk about me, do they share their sympathetic sentiments about how obvious it is that I am in such agony? Neither one is more alluring than the other. But maybe if they don't know about me, they won't feel any guilt about leaving their closest friend to watch from a distance while they live a perfect life together. Causing Kairi pain is absolutely unacceptable. I must find out how much people know about me.

But now I realize that this is a trap in itself. If I ask people if they've noticed my pain and they haven't, the cat's out of the bag and Sora and Kairi end up with a nearly unbearable guilt. But if I don't find out what people know, and it ends up that they _do_ know, how can I be sure that they aren't already racked with guilt? I'm paralyzed by my own feelings for Kairi, which causes me more pain, making it more likely for people to notice. The universe is conspiring to send me into a suffering tailspin until I simply can't handle it anymore.

Every time I think about her, I come to the same conclusion: This is my lot in life. I have to watch as two of my friends share a love that knows no bounds whilst I stand alone. I realize that I am completely powerless to interfere on my own behalf. The only thing I could do is pass my anguish onto others, which is simply not an option for me. I ask myself what can be done. I get no answers. Could Kairi be happy with me? It's an interesting prospect. But like all the rest of my questions, I don't get an answer.

I don't think I'll ever get an answer.


End file.
